Memory Lane Nightmare

Hello! I don't remember how the topic started, but some online mommy friends and I got to talking about blogs and I mentioned that I'd blogged over the years, and how it was never anything as interesting as they were talking about. And I knew that my old Xanga and LiveJournal accounts were still open, so I went to Google to find them and decide whether or not they were in need of deletion. Which, is something I never thought of doing before, but for some reason, yesterday, decided I needed to.
The great thing about using the same username every where, is that it's not hard to find lost accounts and passwords. Being dumb and using the same password or two, also makes this feat easy to accomplish. First was the LiveJournal. The last time I'd updated that one, was in '07 when we were in MI. I didn't take the time to look through old posts. I deleted it on the spot.
Xanga was next. That one ran from fall of '04 up until right before I left with Sarge to MI in '06. So, about a two year time span. However, it featured probably the worst year of my life, in great detail. Because, let's face it, 17/18 year olds don't really think in the long-term. There was a lot of embarrassing, regrettable, personal information on there. Stuff, I realized I did not want someone to randomly find. Stuff I shouldn't have posted to begin with (emails and chat conversations that were private in nature). Stuff, that reading through (and I did. Took me several hours to read through all the posts), made me want to smack myself. I had gotten involved with several people in a rather short time period, and each was more dramatic than the one before it. Then, there was the chronicle that was my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, who was my first boyfriend and not just someone I was seeing. And reading through all those posts... I don't know why I was so enamored (well, I do, but it was an unhealthy attachment). And I don't know why I was so angry at him for so long, and so hung up. We broke up for a valid, selfless reason--but I couldn't let go, because of how important I had made him out to be, and made a fool out of myself chasing after him. It's sad seeing how much self-esteem I lacked back then. And, it's gone now, but a conversation we had really opened my eyes to it and changed me for the better. I was such a pain in the ass then, makes me want to apologize and say thank you, but I think that might be awkward after six years have passed, don't you think? Ha.
Reading through it all, I am so lucky to have made it through without any permanent damage to myself. I put myself in so many bad situations, and ignored all the good advice that was given to me. 
Good lord, I hope I never have a daughter.


Actually, I take that back. I hope I do. And, I hope to raise her better, and make sure that she knows she's worth more and deserves the world. And if someone can't deliver, then she doesn't need to stick around. Everyone has worth, and deserves to be with someone who treats them with respect and makes them feel loved. Anything less is pointless.


So, what's on your old blogs?

Victory!

I have officially completed thirty days of my "30 Day Shred" workout video. Granted, it took me 45 days to do it... but, I did it! It feels pretty good to accomplish that. I have every intention of continuing though, because I hardly feel "shredded."


As a celebration, I have bought some new jeans. I had jeans from last year, that were a size 10 or 12, that were falling off. I can now fit into a 6. :) However, I tried on a pair of 8s, that were comfier and allowed me to run after MiniSarge and play with him, so I bought a few of those. And, I must say, I am in love with the denim from American Eagle. It's just preppy enough for me, without being too much. And the price isn't so bad either. Hehe. I'm sure the $100+ jeans I was drooling over are awesome, but $30-45 a pair is much nicer on our wallet. :)


Um, let's see, while I have a few minutes before the monster awakes from his nap, I'll update a bit more on how things have been here in our house.
We've begun counting down weeks until this deployment ends, which is exciting, but I'm having trouble getting too excited just yet. I'm more in the mandatory impatient/grumpy mode right now. When I can count days, I'll be happy.
We've dropped to one nap, which has made things easier and harder at the same time.
We're cutting the 3rd and 4th molar currently, which makes the days so fun.
MiniSarge can now run, spin, throw things over-hand, and jump. I'm assuming climbing is next.


I have not been able to keep up with my reading goals. Which, kinda of bums me out. I did pick up a book I'd started a few weeks ago today, and read a few pages while MiniSarge destroyed my living room.


I have been able to keep up with my Netflix movies. And, I haven't really been reading the paper (I read something the other day about a guy drag racing with his gf/wife and 3 year old daughter in the car and crashed, and I threw the paper down. Between that and the articles on fallen soldiers, I give up.), nor magazines.


But, we have been making progress on being more social, and I've kept up the working out, so I feel pretty good. I would feel a lot better if Sarge's internet company weren't a flock of douche bags and we could talk... but, soon that won't be an issue anyway, right? Trying to spin the positive on that. :)


Not so bad here at our house. I am begging for the fall weather to come (yes, partially so I can strut around in my new jeans :D), but it'll be here soon enough. Next month will be awesome!


I will try to update more frequently. Until next time!
<3

Weight Loss, Round Two!

I realized today that when my husband is home, I feel thin. But when he's gone, and the days pass without real contact with other adults, I start to lose the battle of my perception of how much I weigh. It's not that he's overweight, but he is bigger than me. He is wider than me. He is taller than me. And when he hugs me, I feel tiny. When he's not here... I feel like a whale, lol.


So, I've started the Shred again (Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred, for those who don't know what I'm talking about--faithful readers, you might remember that I attempted this in January or February of this year). I've actually stuck with it a lot longer than my previous attempts. I think I only made it 12 days on level 1 the last time before I hurt myself, did it one more time, and gave up. I have a new plan of action this time, and it's going well. :) I do three days on, one day off. And so far, have made it to 15 days of working out, with no injuries! And, the kicker, have made it to the second level. lol It's like a video game in that sense. Muuuust, make it... to... the next.... level!!! (<-The inner gamer inside, pushing me forward).
I did have to downgrade my weights from a set of 5lb to a set of 3lb weights. No shame though! I can finally keep up, and my arms are still tired. ;)
I've seen some progress. Nothing crazy, but I feel significantly less flabby, even though I've gained a few pounds (It's muscle! It HAS to be!). My new shorts that I bought a month ago fit better--not so snug these days! I definitely have more energy, and my moods have improved. Mini Sarge and I play more.
Now... if only the heat will die off, and we can begin taking walks again. Possibly jogs.... maybe. Ha.


Speaking of... someone is awake from his nap. Fingers crossed that I continue to do well with this, and reach my goal of being total sexy-sauce when Sarge gets back in a few months. ;)
xoxo

Daycare???

I feel so stupid. Why does the thought of me dropping Mini-Sarge off at daycare so I can make a doctor's appointment for myself make me want to cry? I'm already stubborn enough as is it when it comes to going to the doctor, add in having to schedule him in at hourly care/finding a sitter, and you might as well fuhgeddaboudit.


I really can't explain it. It makes sense, to just schedule the appointment, get him a slot in daycare, go to my appointment, and carry on. But I don't know if I can leave him there. It's hard enough to leave him with a friend. I wonder if I would feel better if I hired a sitter for a few hours, so he could at least be in his own house.
That's even more ridiculous, isn't it? lol


I wish he was super easy and would sit there and be quiet, and he could just come with me. :(


Why does being a mommy have to be so hard? I wish I got along with my mom and she lived in the area. Or maybe if my mother-in-law lived in the area. Or I had friends w/o kids that I trusted to come over. Have plenty of friends with kids... but, I feel bad pushing another on them, lol. 


Hating this. :/ It's stupid that I can deal with my husband being away and all sorts of other crazy crap that drives people nuts, but I can't stand the thought of daycare for a few hours.  There must be something wrong with my brain, one way or the other.

Meh.

I think I have reached that point of this deployment (see graph in a previous post) where I've about just lost it and am over it and want it to be done. Now.


I'm soooo over it. We are just shy of 90 days out. In the home stretch! I should be rallying and pushing through with confidence. But, I feel like I'm crumbling. And it makes me feel like a crappy, lazy mom, and then the mommy guilt sets in, and it's this vicious cycle of tiredness and doubt.


Everyone keeps telling me it's time for Mini Sarge to go to hourly care a few hours a week, or to drop him off at someone's for a while and take some time for myself. I appreciate the thought, but I really don't think that's going to recharge my battery. I just need my other half here. I don't even really need help with the kid duties... I just want him home so I can have some adult conversation, and someone to give me a hug, and someone to sit and watch a movie with after Mini Sarge goes to sleep. 
And, ya know, a trip to Target without kid and diaper bag in tow every once and a while. ;)


Bleh. I talked to Sarge about it last night a bit, but I got kinda upset. I can't even get out of bed in the morning before 8--he wakes up at 7 or so. And I feel bad that he's in there close to an hour every morning before I can peel myself off my pillow. I've tried and tried to get out of bed, but there is just no doing it. It's really strange, because for years, I used to get up between 3:30 and 4 am, jump out of bed, get ready, and go to work like it wasn't a big deal. Now, I can't even get up at 6 or 6:30 so I can get a workout in. How does that make sense?
And there are milestones he hasn't hit yet, that he probably should have already. And, for the most part, I know it's my fault for not working with him more (we don't point, clap, or wave yet. But he can put on his sunglasses, lol. That counts for something, right?).
I just feel so... lazy. I don't want to be a lazy mommy. :(

I've been bit!

Baby bug, go AWAY.
Why is baby stuff so freaking cute?? I think it's designed to mess with my brain. I see it and go "aaaaaaaaaaaw! I WANT one!" XD


So many people are pregnant, or just had a baby. And sooo many of them are baby girls. I want a little girl so bad. I think it would be so much fun. :) And honestly, easier? I hear baby girls are easier, and then turn into lil drama queens later. I want an easy baby, lol. Mini Sarge was so, so difficult. And still is most days...
But I am in no way ready for a second baby yet. And I've put my foot down, that we won't start trying until our car is paid off. Because that will free up $450 a month (yeah, I know. Insane. But that's what happens when you trade in a car that you're upside down on. Live and learn!). So... another 2 or 3 years? That's about in the range I  had originally decided on anyway. And it helps keep me in check. Otherwise, I'd have a case of the crazies and TTC #2 here shortly, ha. 
And I pray that by the time that rolls around, Mini Sarge will be much easier to deal with. I really give props to the ladies that have their kids so close in age. I would go insane. Then again, maybe their babies are easy? Haha. I wonder if anyone with a high maintenance baby ever TTC their second super soon? That momma deserves some sort of reward.


Anyway. Just wanted to pop in and share my crazy thoughts. I hope everyone has a great 4th of July weekend! Stay safe, don't blow your fingers off, and please, please, please, no drinking and driving. 
<3

Goals

I've found myself often thinking lately about how boring I am. And while, for the most part, I don't care and am quite comfortable with the way things are, I also don't feel like I bring much to a conversation other than what my kid did this week. That part bothers me.
I mean really, who wants to talk to someone who talks about their kid all day? Granted, I'm not doing it because I think my kid is the best ever and everyone wants to hear about him (although I do think he's pretty awesome), it's because I just don't have anything else to talk about. And, it's not that I was some super well-read, opinionated, outspoken person before I had the baby and have "lost myself" as so many moms say. I was like this before, it just didn't matter as much. I had time to watch movies, hang out, and that worked.
I also have no problem being a stay-at-home mom and homemaker. There's nothing wrong with it. I enjoy it, for the most part. It's rewarding in a way that working isn't. Again, however, talking about the best way to remove x stain from y fabric, or what I'm making for dinner this week, is not very exciting or interesting.


So, I've been brainstorming about how to fix this, that don't necessarily involve me running all over town or going back to work. I'm not against working. I am against daycare raising my kid when it's not necessary. A job right now would only be to entertain me, not because we need the money.
The most I've come up with so far is to take up reading books, and to actually read the newspapers they drop off at my house that I didn't sign up for. A book club would be cool, but, I have a feeling I wouldn't be able to keep up with the rest of the group, and so it seems pretty pointless. However, if anyone wants to start a "we'll read it when we get to it" bookclub, lemme know. That could work! ;)


Part of my brain has seriously considered the working thing, even if it's a work from home thing. We're pretty fortunate that Sarge's job takes care of all our needs (wants, not so much, but all the needs, yes), so if I did this, I would love for it to be something that I LOVE to do. Figuring that part out... not so easy. I feel like I risk ruining something that I love to do because I have to do it. And it's also kind of hard to figure out what would be worth it as far as profit. Sure, I like to paint, but who knows if it would sell, ya know?


Blaaaah. So, new goal for myself: Be more interesting!
<3