Ew, Jealousy

Do you remember the little graph I posted a post or two back? Remember, how at the top of the curve, was where I said the frustration/anger were at their peak? Yeah, that's where we are right now. Well, a few days shy, but, who the fsk is counting anymore?


AUGH!


What really makes is worse, and what actually ends up annoying me more because it makes it worse, is that everyone I know's husband is coming home this month. >.>
Now, the rational part of my brain realizes that their husbands left 6-7 months before mine did, so, uh yeah they're coming home now. However... the other part of my brain, the crazy part filled with those uncontrollable human emotions, says "WTF? When is it MY turn? Why isn't MY husband home?" Jealousy is so evil.


I hate, hate, HATE that I don't have any control over that feeling. It doesn't matter how rational I am, this is the point of deployment where crazy-brain takes over and I get pissy when I see homecoming banners, ha. It's awful, and it makes me feel like a jerk. And, I know, deep down, that I shouldn't be hating on people just because we were part of a different rotation. Hell, if he was coming home now, he would have missed our son being born, and that would have been really bad. I am so, so happy for all the families getting reunited. I just... am having a problem continuing to be patient.


I take pride in having a good deal of control over my emotions. I handle all of this relatively better than most people (not me bragging on myself, I hear it all the time.). So, when this, this crazy I-miss-him-boo-that-your-husband-is-home thing starts to go through my head, it really gets on my nerves. We all do our time. No separation is any worse than another. No one's longing for the simple touch, smell, sight or voice of their spouse is any worse than the next person. So why do these stupid feelings emerge? 
Seriously, I saw earlier today, that a friend of mine's husband was about to land, and I got that anxious feeling, where like, your heart races a little, like, maybe you just ran into someone who you haven't seen in a while and didn't really want to run into and you get kinda panicy. It was like, wtf is this?


I contribute the lack of control to the anticipation of R&R, realizing he's already been gone six months--even though it feels like an eternity, and just human nature in general. I think we can only hold back our feelings for so long. Doesn't matter how much you ignore them. It's a beautiful coping mechanism, mind you, but it does have it's flaws. Eventually, you will break, and it probably won't be pretty.


<3