I feel so stupid. Why does the thought of me dropping Mini-Sarge off at daycare so I can make a doctor's appointment for myself make me want to cry? I'm already stubborn enough as is it when it comes to going to the doctor, add in having to schedule him in at hourly care/finding a sitter, and you might as well fuhgeddaboudit.
I really can't explain it. It makes sense, to just schedule the appointment, get him a slot in daycare, go to my appointment, and carry on. But I don't know if I can leave him there. It's hard enough to leave him with a friend. I wonder if I would feel better if I hired a sitter for a few hours, so he could at least be in his own house.
That's even more ridiculous, isn't it? lol
I wish he was super easy and would sit there and be quiet, and he could just come with me. :(
Why does being a mommy have to be so hard? I wish I got along with my mom and she lived in the area. Or maybe if my mother-in-law lived in the area. Or I had friends w/o kids that I trusted to come over. Have plenty of friends with kids... but, I feel bad pushing another on them, lol.
Hating this. :/ It's stupid that I can deal with my husband being away and all sorts of other crazy crap that drives people nuts, but I can't stand the thought of daycare for a few hours. There must be something wrong with my brain, one way or the other.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Meh.
I think I have reached that point of this deployment (see graph in a previous post) where I've about just lost it and am over it and want it to be done. Now.
I'm soooo over it. We are just shy of 90 days out. In the home stretch! I should be rallying and pushing through with confidence. But, I feel like I'm crumbling. And it makes me feel like a crappy, lazy mom, and then the mommy guilt sets in, and it's this vicious cycle of tiredness and doubt.
Everyone keeps telling me it's time for Mini Sarge to go to hourly care a few hours a week, or to drop him off at someone's for a while and take some time for myself. I appreciate the thought, but I really don't think that's going to recharge my battery. I just need my other half here. I don't even really need help with the kid duties... I just want him home so I can have some adult conversation, and someone to give me a hug, and someone to sit and watch a movie with after Mini Sarge goes to sleep.
And, ya know, a trip to Target without kid and diaper bag in tow every once and a while. ;)
Bleh. I talked to Sarge about it last night a bit, but I got kinda upset. I can't even get out of bed in the morning before 8--he wakes up at 7 or so. And I feel bad that he's in there close to an hour every morning before I can peel myself off my pillow. I've tried and tried to get out of bed, but there is just no doing it. It's really strange, because for years, I used to get up between 3:30 and 4 am, jump out of bed, get ready, and go to work like it wasn't a big deal. Now, I can't even get up at 6 or 6:30 so I can get a workout in. How does that make sense?
And there are milestones he hasn't hit yet, that he probably should have already. And, for the most part, I know it's my fault for not working with him more (we don't point, clap, or wave yet. But he can put on his sunglasses, lol. That counts for something, right?).
I just feel so... lazy. I don't want to be a lazy mommy. :(
I'm soooo over it. We are just shy of 90 days out. In the home stretch! I should be rallying and pushing through with confidence. But, I feel like I'm crumbling. And it makes me feel like a crappy, lazy mom, and then the mommy guilt sets in, and it's this vicious cycle of tiredness and doubt.
Everyone keeps telling me it's time for Mini Sarge to go to hourly care a few hours a week, or to drop him off at someone's for a while and take some time for myself. I appreciate the thought, but I really don't think that's going to recharge my battery. I just need my other half here. I don't even really need help with the kid duties... I just want him home so I can have some adult conversation, and someone to give me a hug, and someone to sit and watch a movie with after Mini Sarge goes to sleep.
And, ya know, a trip to Target without kid and diaper bag in tow every once and a while. ;)
Bleh. I talked to Sarge about it last night a bit, but I got kinda upset. I can't even get out of bed in the morning before 8--he wakes up at 7 or so. And I feel bad that he's in there close to an hour every morning before I can peel myself off my pillow. I've tried and tried to get out of bed, but there is just no doing it. It's really strange, because for years, I used to get up between 3:30 and 4 am, jump out of bed, get ready, and go to work like it wasn't a big deal. Now, I can't even get up at 6 or 6:30 so I can get a workout in. How does that make sense?
And there are milestones he hasn't hit yet, that he probably should have already. And, for the most part, I know it's my fault for not working with him more (we don't point, clap, or wave yet. But he can put on his sunglasses, lol. That counts for something, right?).
I just feel so... lazy. I don't want to be a lazy mommy. :(
Saturday, July 2, 2011
I've been bit!
Baby bug, go AWAY.
Why is baby stuff so freaking cute?? I think it's designed to mess with my brain. I see it and go "aaaaaaaaaaaw! I WANT one!" XD
So many people are pregnant, or just had a baby. And sooo many of them are baby girls. I want a little girl so bad. I think it would be so much fun. :) And honestly, easier? I hear baby girls are easier, and then turn into lil drama queens later. I want an easy baby, lol. Mini Sarge was so, so difficult. And still is most days...
But I am in no way ready for a second baby yet. And I've put my foot down, that we won't start trying until our car is paid off. Because that will free up $450 a month (yeah, I know. Insane. But that's what happens when you trade in a car that you're upside down on. Live and learn!). So... another 2 or 3 years? That's about in the range I had originally decided on anyway. And it helps keep me in check. Otherwise, I'd have a case of the crazies and TTC #2 here shortly, ha.
And I pray that by the time that rolls around, Mini Sarge will be much easier to deal with. I really give props to the ladies that have their kids so close in age. I would go insane. Then again, maybe their babies are easy? Haha. I wonder if anyone with a high maintenance baby ever TTC their second super soon? That momma deserves some sort of reward.
Anyway. Just wanted to pop in and share my crazy thoughts. I hope everyone has a great 4th of July weekend! Stay safe, don't blow your fingers off, and please, please, please, no drinking and driving.
<3
Why is baby stuff so freaking cute?? I think it's designed to mess with my brain. I see it and go "aaaaaaaaaaaw! I WANT one!" XD
So many people are pregnant, or just had a baby. And sooo many of them are baby girls. I want a little girl so bad. I think it would be so much fun. :) And honestly, easier? I hear baby girls are easier, and then turn into lil drama queens later. I want an easy baby, lol. Mini Sarge was so, so difficult. And still is most days...
But I am in no way ready for a second baby yet. And I've put my foot down, that we won't start trying until our car is paid off. Because that will free up $450 a month (yeah, I know. Insane. But that's what happens when you trade in a car that you're upside down on. Live and learn!). So... another 2 or 3 years? That's about in the range I had originally decided on anyway. And it helps keep me in check. Otherwise, I'd have a case of the crazies and TTC #2 here shortly, ha.
And I pray that by the time that rolls around, Mini Sarge will be much easier to deal with. I really give props to the ladies that have their kids so close in age. I would go insane. Then again, maybe their babies are easy? Haha. I wonder if anyone with a high maintenance baby ever TTC their second super soon? That momma deserves some sort of reward.
Anyway. Just wanted to pop in and share my crazy thoughts. I hope everyone has a great 4th of July weekend! Stay safe, don't blow your fingers off, and please, please, please, no drinking and driving.
<3
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